February 17, 2000 ~ In Love with Strangers

Morgan is still Sick. Poor boy. I've been helping him out and making sure he takes his herbs and vitamins. He's getting plenty of rest, but this afternoon he was saying that his ear was really starting to hurt, and pressure keeps building up inside it. I hope he's not getting an infection; that will make it even longer before he gets better. The nurse gave him some antibiotics. If he is getting an infection, this stuff should keep it from getting really bad. *hopes*

Hmmm.

I have been kind of slack about homework and reading this week. I do most of it, but after several hours of work I get so tired and restless. I have to stop for a time and do something else. I suppose that's normal for most people, but I have always been super-responsible-over-achiever-girl, and I have never had a problem with motivation. I hope I am not already burning out on this semester. At least I am not having the same problem with my work on The Well. That isn't slacking at all, and I still feel charged and invigorated with it.

I have taken up a new hobby. I have been visiting the personal websites of random people who I don't know and will probably never meet. I try to find people who are completely different from me. Different morals, different interests, different lifestyles, different culture, different social groups, different ages, different philosophy, different beliefs, different outlook, different religion...

I read all about their lives, their thoughts, their ideas, their dreams, their emotions, their journals, their poetry, their writing... everything that will help me get into their heads. I learn about them. I try to understand what motivates them, and why they believe differently than me. Sometimes I am slightly offended, because often I encounter someone who will completely insult the things that I hold very dear, and say how terrible my passions are though they have never known them... But at the same time, I learn how something that I do or believe may look like from the outside, and I learn a bit about myself from that perspective.

Most importantly, however, as I have read these personal sites, I have found myself literally falling in love with these people, "faults" and all. Not romantically, of course, but as one would with a good friend. They become real to me, and I find myself feeling genuinely concerned for their well being. I have come to consider these visits as my daily "exercises in compassion," I guess. Seriously. I am learning so much just from these readings. I just want to take them up in a big hug and say, "It doesn't matter; you are loved anyway." Crying as I stare at the screen.

Is this what it means to truly and unconditionally love a stranger? I have felt this occasionally before, in small glimpses. When I accidentally look into the eyes of a person on the bus; it's there. When I have a chance conversation with the person sitting next to me in a public place; it's there too. It is so odd, the way it is such a deep and intimate emotion I have for these people when I haven't even communicated with them before. Wow. Very powerful.

I want very badly to let them know that they are loved, but I don't know of any way to do it without making them feel uncomfortable. I suppose learning how to share these feelings would be the next thing to learn.

We are all so disconnected. We don't share with one another. Sometimes I feel so dishonest.

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